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10:23 AM

(supposed to be doing the RJ that i totally forgot about, but nevertheless)Had a great day yesterday (: Workshops were all cancelled so finally a free wednesday to myself.
I got rejected early in the morning cos meimei didnt wanna go out with me, so i ended up walking around JP alone, trying to shop. It was rather therapeutic, yet it felt rather sad and emotional. So JP was rather huge, i walked for a rather long time as people gave me weird stares. Didn’t manage to get anything fancy for the 2 birthdays of 2 very precious people that are here ): So i headed home after getting some $4 tau huay and some weird things.

Chel dropped me a text and told me she ended school alr at 3pm (thank God) and she dropped by my place around 4ish and me and mei headed over to her place at 5 to finish up watching SOS & more of SS501 together (: Just one of those days you spend just talking and chilling - no fancy dresses, no thick make up, no nice smelling perfume. Just one laptop, 3 precious special girls, 1 dog, a mattress made my day. I loved missing buses just talking to them about stuff, laughing out loud in the mall and eating durian puffs together.

We should do it more often. You girls are loved (:






Im taking a day off tml :D Hopefully things will be okay! (:

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10:06 PM

I AM BACK WITH one awesome update over the awesome weekend! :D
Finally got the chance to meet the girlfriend's bel & chel for lunch ytd, really happy to see them again and sit down for a good lunch @ Lailai's. They serve yummy beef noodles with nice milk tea and awesome side dishes :D We took 153 photos over the span of the 2 hours we spent together, walked to bel's new condo and camwhored somemore. Made me superly happy seeing the nice colours and backgrounds (: Headed to church with chel after that while bel had to study for her A's (goodluck bel, jiayou!) We listened and danced to SS501 on the 1hr plus bus ride and just went quite insane with random people staring at 2 well dressed girls being silly.













Well service was just as awesome! The praise and atmosphere was really high and just a free liberty and praising our most high God (: PLUS, Ignyte has REALLY Got Talent! There was a short talent showcase from hannah, krys and the boys, all really jaw dropping :O Enjoyed my time there. The short sermon was really .. apt i would say?
Psalms 139 says that i am fearfully and wonderfully made. His works are wonderful and i know that full well.
That who i am now - how i look, how tall i am, how black my hair is, how heavy i am, how my teeth are made, how i laugh, how i move has all already been planned and personally created by Him. And to know that out of 10000000000000 sperms i was that one that made it, actually when you think about it it's quite amazing. We always complain and ask questions about why our lives are this way, how miserable it is and thinking everyday about us being someone else or having thoughts of suicide. It wasn't easy to have came onto this earth yet some of us are just wasting life away. Well i can't thank God more for this life i have. Ups and downs there sure are. But when God's there, i know i'll survive. I always have (:

Today's another crazy day @ work! Paul came to join us and it was just pure joy having his company and camwhoring over lunch (: I shall wait for him to upload our crazy photos on FB or his blog before posting them up again. Was a tiring day, but fun nevertheless, working with xian is always such a joy, DONT WANT HIM GO ARMY! Lolxz :/ Alright, i've gotta go read up on my notes now and do my blocking for Fendy's script. Updates again later eh? (: Much love!

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3:43 PM

It's been a long run, and a journey i'll never forget.

God just reminded me of how He's actually been there to guide me, and pave my way. And how i've actually neglected Him so much throughout this whole long painful journey. There were times i just walked alone, and relied on my own strength, got so caught up with what's going on everywhere from school to this whole mess, that everything kinda came to a standstill. I didn't feel God the same in my heart anymore.

And i just realised how hard it has been for me to be without God, and how my life didnt seem to have a direction when i left God out of the picture. Serving Him seemed to be routine, and every week just zoomed past like that. But i knew it wasn't His fault, it was mine. I failed in many ways. I failed to guard my heart well enough when things were going okay, and when the storm came it came and messed my heart up too. But as i prayed laast night, i flipped through my journals and saw my last journal entry about God fighting for me, and needing me to be only still. I noted down what God spoke to me about, and when that reminder came, it didnt only bring to light how far i was from God, but also at the same time how i failed to be still, and just allow God to do His work. I knew i had to be still, and that God will do the fighting for me. Yet subconsciously, i never surrendered all the nitty grittys, all the bitterness, all the hurt, all the confusion and all my emotions and failings onto Him. God must have grown tired knocking on my door, and was just waiting for me to realize, and come back to Him.

I want to keep giving back to God, because what He's given me is just endless. I want to serve Him in a greater capacity and fulfill the call He has for me. I want to keep going on to soar onto greater heights and scale different walls and conquer new grounds. I want to have God residing in my whole lifetime. I want to love God forever.

I guess our God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.

Take Your rightful place. Fill me afresh, till my cup overflows. Once again, i return the authorship rights to You. I'm sorry. It has been tough without You (':





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9:50 PM

This is going to be the last time i'll make these 'kinda' posts public. After today or maybe tommorrow, we'll all move on, okay? Promise.

This is perhaps the hardest post i have to start. Can't believe that i'd say this but, here we are. For the entire year plus of fighting, it'll all have to end here, right here, right now. And i'm sorry. If you ever happen to read this, i am sorry, from the bottom of my heart. Trust me, i never wanted things to end up the way it is today. But it had to, and i had to do it. Not for myself, but ultimately for you.

The hardest thing to do is to hold on, especially when i knew you've let go. Maybe you'll never be able to understand what you put me through with all the playing of heartstrings, how much you meant to me, how much i struggled with coming clean or how much it has taken me to even get here. You never gave me an answer, and slowly after time passed, this heart just kept bleeding till it bled no more. I'm sorry this had to happen, i really really am. I do wish that I could be cold and emotionless forever because as long as I can feel anything, I’ll feel you. It’s something I don’t want to live with knowing you’re never coming back. Knowing that we might never cross paths or speak another word again really really scares me to death. Trust me, you have no idea. I struggled and fought with God, fought with myself. I could take it, i could have just let it all go over time, let time heal me, and let God do what He has to. I could only that one day, one fine day you'll understand why i did all this - because i only did it for you.I couldnt let you continue, i couldnt bear with it anymore emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and i had to protect the others more than i had to protect you. I said i'll be there, i'll protect you and fight for you all the way. I still will be.I'm sorry i did not tell you, i was told to do so. But having done this, i have just made the hardest yet the most right decision of my life and whatever i've done never spoke more of the love and care i have for you than this.

Listen. You didn't make a mistake, we did.

And so, we'll face this together. As much as it cost you, it cost me double. I've lost leadership, i've had to put up this battle for over a year on my very own, and i've lost you to top it all, with a voice within me that still beats me up day after day. But we will emerge stronger, fiercer, tougher, full of faith and equipped with so much more than before. Don't give up. I'll keep fighting, and you have to as well. Somewhere somehow, i'll be here. Perhaps 3 years later, 4 years, maybe 10 years later, all this will be over. I'll be looking forward.


Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and not lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.
- via runwaytrain.tumblr.com

God, help me pick myself up again.

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10:14 PM

Look, it's november already!
My hits seem to be going down now that i've pretty much shifted to my own little private space, instead of posting things up here that are open to alot of the public - some of them i dont even expect.

Well life has been good, God has been faithful to me and ever so prevailant in my life. School's been picking up, although still busy as ever and having the most boring modules to take - but other than that it's all been quite fine (: The dancers caught up yesterday to cheoreograph the rest of the camp dance. It should be quite exciting to see the entire Ignyte dancing to 1 tune :D

Again there are just too many things to thank God for. Tumblr's one of them. HAHA. Of course our family has grown together too, something im really thankful for, plus providing for us in terms of financial needs, as well as leaders and friends who've been just being so supportive this whole season (: AND MY SS501 BOYS, never fail to distract me and make me a happy girl. So looking forward to feburary! :D


“Walking away isn’t the hardest. The most difficult thing to do, is telling yourself that you can’t look back.”



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10:20 AM

Have been tumblr-ing just tad' too much i have a lack of update here! NOW IM BACK :D


HAHAHA SS501 :D
Okay sidetrack. Zoom back to the weekends, and the past 2 days - spending my time on math! LOL :/ Worked on sunday with math, had xian and uncle james help me out with it (which was rather helpful) and we just had a ton of fun and laughter with the group and stupid dumb blonde moments. Hahaha, that was it. Got home to study again, and had BK come over for a short tutoring, which proved to be rather effective and effecient! (:

Yesterdaywas home again studying, mom happened to be down with some stomach discomfort so mei was at home too (: We spent the afternoon half studying half spamming SS501 videos and watching so much of SOS that we really got freaked out by the time night came (cos the show's really creepy). BK came over again last night to help me out again, he has been of soooooo much help. I think i overcame the paper today thanks to all the help i got from everyone man (: After BK left i took a break again and continued with SS501's Stalker (thanks to jeanette), and we stopped watching after 1 full epi cos we were too scared and it was at night and we didnt dare sleep already. Plus i totaly got nightmares last night :X

TODAY, woke up to a brand new day (whats with the new day) feeling awesome. Expected to feel all gittery and all, but to my surprise i was more than just calm - still hung a smile on my face. By the time i got up, already had a coupla messages from my cell folks (awfully touched) and others like daddy, xian and josh with well wishes. More luck came in on FB and later in the afternoon. Totally made my day (: I was so relaxed that i cld still wake up and help my mom make ondeh ondeh that turned out delicious :D Just need more sugar! Continued the rest of the afternoon with more Stalker videos, bathed and headed out for my paper. It was quite alright! I probably wont get As and all but at least a decentpass for paper 1 (: I took my time doing the paper, making sure i was really careful and all. Just felt God with me throughout even as i prayed before the paper begun. I finished exactly at 430pm and just skipped out of the class (: Still had enough mood to buy a skirt and a tank. HAHAHA :D I came back snacking on little cornflake treats my mom made plus blogging and another dose of cuteness from the boys. Oh dear dear me.




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8:21 PM